John Steinbeck said:

"A journey is a person in itself; no two are alike. And all plans, safeguards, policing, and coercion are fruitless. We find that after years of struggle that we do not take a trip; a trip takes us."

Time is a hard concept for me.  It never seems to have passed quite as fast as it has.  It flies and it blurs so quickly.  I look back at photos and it seems so recent.  Last year, 5 years, 10 years.... Nieva's baby photos and me much more vibrant, happy, and strong.

I found myself today reflecting on 10 years in particular.  Maybe it is that I turn that dreaded 3-0 next April, but I have found myself thinking a lot about what I have done over these past years.  Recounting this proverbial flight, I thought of the negative first of course, because we are always too hard on ourselves.  That came with looking in the mirror and being upset with myself for an extra 15 pounds, lots of lumpy bumpy, white sun deprived skin, and bouts of stress-induced acne.  Well fun.... 10 years isn't looking radiant.... I need to pull this mess together a bit more before 30.  Don't need any mid-life crises on top of all the other crazy.  ;)

Then there is my business.  After 10+ years of loving photography to 5 years of working very hard to build my name, clients, income...... and then realizing finally now how much I have missed in those 5 years again by over booking, over-stressing, and trying to be the best I could be.  A give and take like college...  I giving 5 years to school.  Working hard on my grades and passionately learning so much.  Getting to study abroad a semester in England, travel to a dozen different countries, and start learning French, expand my musical knowledge.... I do not regret the learning, but I admittedly felt the blur as I signed those student loans.  They are here now.  This desire to make something of my degree and see success drove me and cost me a lot of moments with family and friends.

Time lost with my family.....  I flew alone.  Pushed away not just family, but friends, and even my soul-mate and daughter as I burrowed myself into a thought process of career success, material desire, and maybe worst of all the wish to have everyone approve of me and everything I did in my process.  And storms came as they do.... Having experienced cancer over and over through the loss of my father-in-law, several family passing, and then our own daughter's current battle with Leukemia.  It begins to put into perspective the weight of relationships and what is truly important.  How delicate this world around us is.  How illness and death will change everything.

I had been raised so lucky...  All 4 of my grandparents are still living and I get to see them frequently.  I knew great-grandmothers and a great-great grandmother in my life.  From the age of 4-18 I experienced no loss.  My family was all close and "normal" (Well mostly ha!).  We went to church.  I painted, sang, crafted, learned, and dreamed.... Oh how I dreamed.....  Maybe I did too much of that? ;)

Despite those first 18 years, I feel like I have spent 10+ years since in a desk or on a computer.  So many great memories, but so many dark places too.  Fighting depression, anxiety, self-doubt, and rejection. The realization was harsh and sad.  I need to see something brighter.  The realization that its been about 10 years since I have completed art just for me... 3-4 years since I have sat down and knit or crocheted or made jewelry.  I go months in between seeing family that lives a short drive away and months without exploring, making an effort to do or see something new, or reach out to friends... I feel I created a successful business I love and an art I have done well with, but today is the day to reanalyze.  I sat down and set new lower limits for what I will accept this coming year.  So I can give clients and my family more time and energy.  That is at the cost of income, but I am okay with it.  I don't want to fly tirelessly.  I want to glide... soar... see the smiles along the way.

So this is the beginning I suppose.  A realization that experiencing the journey of life is worth so much more than the final destination.  What is success?  What is our final destination?  Is it making more than your colleagues?  A better house or car?  More social scenes... more stuff.....  What is all that in our final moments?  In seeing the final moments of those we love?  What if your child or spouse was gone in the blink of an eye?  Would you wish you had looked in their eyes a bit more?  A bit longer?

If I want to look back at myself 10 years ago I believe I know what I would say.  SLOW down.  Relationships are more important than things.  What is success?  We all have different definitions and mine have changed this year.  Success is being respected for your spirit and actions.  Success is being rich in laughter, and full of love.  Success is accepting that no-one is perfect and that we are all on our own journey.  Success is respecting all life by emulating the teachings of Christ.  Success is a happy home (regardless of its size or the things in it).

This year was a roller coaster.  A year darker and more damning than anything I have ever experienced.  But there was that light.  There is always light.  I had to feel everything along the way.  The aching and horrible pain of anxiousness and wishing it wasn't them.  I am thankful for that light.  It pulls you to the surface again, and for me that light is also realization.  Every day I look at my daughter and feel thankful for another day.  It is hard to be away from her.  I am aware of her in a way I never was because of I was too busy to be.  The idea we could have lost her in the mess of my own self-pursuit.  The idea I still could lose her.  This is my life now, and I am stopped in my tracks knowing it could always be worse.  It could get worse.  But I am gracious for now and am trying to let go and trust it will be okay.  This was my journey, and is my journey.  I was happy in the beginning and I have finally found myself again.  This is our lives right?  Our only one.  Fly well.

<3 -A