"No pessimist ever discovered the secret of the stars, or sailed to an uncharted land, or opened a new doorway for the human spirit....."  -Helen Keller

Well we knew it was coming.  In the children's cancer world you get two books.  One on diagnosis day.  It tells you all the things to expect during treatment.  Then if you make it to the end of your chemo you get a second book...  One that tells you everything your child can expect to possibly encounter as side effects and problems throughout the rest of their life.  Relapse of course is scary, but chemo can cause secondary cancers and other debilitating conditions as well. It seems a bit counterintuitive that the medications that save my child's life can also threaten it during treatment and for the rest of her life.  But this is the world we now live in and after-all, I am lucky to have her alive (I know this would not have been the case just 5 decades ago).

We of course choose to try to live in the now. And to me that is living in this perfect moment where she is drug free and healthy!  Her smile makes me forget what could be and sort of creates this euphoric sense of relief.  I mentioned to some clients earlier tonight though that you have this sort of shell shock after affect.  I mean no disrespect to our veterans in saying that as I realize it is two very different things.  But we now live in this world where many normal things will set off horrible fear.  A sniffle.  A tear.  Acting out.  Seeming quiet for too long.  All of these things are normal for a 4 year old, but they set me off with panic.  Circling the "what ifs." in my mind.  

The second book isn't given on diagnosis date because it is too much.  But now it is that time and it is here.  Since Nieva's treatment ended oddly I had to remind Jordon to ask for it.  I imagine most kids have a very celebratory last appointment where they take that last dose of chemo.  We never got that unfortunately, but the 31st of July was my scheduled end date for this.  So we asked for that book because it symbolizes the finality of this chapter.  

So here it is.  "The Second Book".  Laying casually on my kitchen table.  It represents triumph. The end of a saga in this world that is our lives.  And yet in its pages, it also spells out a lingering warning... like the grand cliff hanging finale of a novel.  There is potential for so much heartache and trial to come.  It symbolizes fear in some sense.  For that reason, today I choose not to open its pages.  Today I choose happily ever after.  

We all in some sense have two books to our lives.  That which has been and that which will be.  This moment is all that separates those stories and only God knows what is to come.  Let us not be too eager for the future.  There is so much to celebrate in the beauty of "this" moment.  It is easy for us to see now, but regardless of where you are and how horrible all may seem... Close your eyes.  Find the good.  The way we see our lives, has a hand in writing what's unwritten.  Your second book.....