“To move, to breathe, to fly, to float,
To gain all while you give,
To roam the roads of lands remote,
To travel is to live.”  

-Hans Christian Andersen  "The Fairy Tale of my Life, An Autobiography"

As I come out of the cave that is my own little world, I have continued to hear the same phrases... "I didn't know you were go to _____, or doing ______ .  What are you up to Amanda?"

So we have been gone a lot this year.  Okay "I" have been gone a lot this year.  And I know people have been wondering "Where in the world are they now and what in the world are they doing?"  Its been a strange 6-7 months of serendipitous events that have taken us every which way and to every which corner of the globe.  

So I will start with the key answer to what many in our lives have been curious about lately....  

1. Yes Nieva still has her port in, but it comes out April 29 (YAY!!)
2. Nieva has been off treatment almost one year without relapse which is awesome!
3. Nieva doesn't get to be considered "cured" until she has been off treatment 5 years (boo).
4. Moving on to me,  Yes I did recently get my 200 hour yoga certification.  
5. Yes!  I am still mainly a photographer who is passionate about documenting stories and plans to continue to mainly do this full time again come summer.
6. Yes I am still based out of my studio downtown on Phillips (with a group of other amazing creatives). 
7. No, I am not opening a yoga studio.  
8. Yes, I will be teaching yoga and possibly meditation (Although the extent to which will mostly be formulated by a cause on my heart, and the way this all looks is still to unfold).

Now then on to the important stuff.....

After 2 years of being on high alert, moments of life and death, and endless pills and pokes and at-home IVs day and night...  We really couldn't go anywhere.  We were doing our best in a world where we had to feel fear of relapse, infections, sickness, or complications of low immunity.  When the smoke cleared (so to speak), we all were left in a sort of stupor... trying to process everything that has happened these past few years and especially those months April through July last year when Nieva battled for her life through Varicella.  

We were trying to understand why a little girl must endure so much.  Trying to calm the fears and worries of relapse... the anxiety of knowing 1 in a million can be you or a loved one.  And then wrestling with how its so easy to tell someone to just move on into the normality of life... but how different that looks in reality when its your own experience.

One theme or lesson that was strong and consistent through these past years was that of the fragility of this life.  A realization we don't always get next year or even next month to do and see the things that may matter.  To say we were in a funk would be an understatement.  (Honestly, we are still there in some ways).  

The ways in which health emergencies mess with the mind are real and true.  I have a lot of notes and journal entries to convert to this blog and am ready to share so much I have learned on this path.  I don't claim I have all or any answers, but I do want to share in hopes something may resonate or help.  

We are all so unique in this journey through life and I continue to discover and find my way more with every month.  Despite the pain and hurt, I feel incredibly gracious for the positive imprints these experiences have lent to us.  We can really wish for nothing more than that.  I wish for all of us , family, loved ones, friends and of course Nieva herself, to come out of this experience stronger and better as people.

I suppose its fair to say the last several years made us stir crazy.  Jordon and I love traveling.  We are not great with routine or mundane.  We like adventure and experiences and meeting new people and trying new things.  When things settled, I knew in my heart a part of our healing journey was going to include getting away here and there.  While a small community affords an amazing base of support and love, there is also a true peace in being able to be in a place where noone knows your history and circumstance and you can just be on a level plane of existence to process and regenerate.  Both states of being have their advantages and disadvantages, but truly the ability to get away has been integral to transitioning to the next phase of our lives and understanding what that looks like.  

So where in the world were we?

Last September, I travelled to Australia to visit two dear friends and documents one's gorgeous wedding.  In October, we were surprised and honored to be featured in Hood Magazine's "Families that Inspire." and Nieva had a blast being on the news for the article.  We then headed to the Black Hills for waterfall hiking for Jordon and I's anniversary and visited Sylvan Lake and connected with friends.  The end of the month Nieva was on the news again for Hood magazine for Halloween. The next day I photographed with friends an amazing Halloween themed wedding.  

Jordon, Nieva, and I then left town on a three week road trip across the western United States.  From South Dakota to Nebraska, Colorado, Utah, Wyoming, Kansas, Iowa, Arizona, Nevada, and California.  Our main destination was a conference on better health for children with cancer and after treatment  (Through KICKcancER).  My goal was to have long needed family time (away from computers) and to be able to bring conference information back home to SD (We will be meeting starting in April to discuss some of the themes and learn yoga/meditation for coping with stress).

On this trip we hit national parks, L.A., San Diego, Las Vegas, and met with friends and my sister.  Nieva hiked, experienced the San Diego Zoo, splashed in the ocean, wandered through ancient petraglyphs in the dessert, wandered through snow covered misty mountains, walked beside waterfalls, and generally escaped from everything she knew stuck in the confines of our home and hospital walls. 

Late January, Jordon and I spent time for ourselves to reconnect.  We left for Vietnam to visit Jordon's brother who has been living there 1.5 years with his wife who is from there  (Long story short due to insurance and fiascos of when we were supposed to originally attend his brothers wedding, this trip ended up being insanely reasonable).  

The highlight was the misty world wonder called Halong Bay.  Beautiful misty rocks jutting into an emerald bay.  I could only imagine in my mind that bits of heaven must be like this place.  There is no comparison to the quiet and untold beauty it exudes.

After getting home I enjoyed Valentine's Day activities with Nieva and my Grandma's birthday and then left for Hawaii for three weeks to get my 200 hour yoga certification.  This has always been a dream, but seemed crazy (How could I leave Jordon and Ava for three weeks!?!).  But then Jordon uttered those dangerous words "Why not?"  Ha!  One month later there I went.  A friend pointed out, some parents leave for a year at a time for military duty or for college internships.  You are doing this to give back and to heal yourself, which in the end benefits everyone around you. 

Hawaii was a HUGE learning experience.  Three square vegetarian meals, an hour plus of meditation, and hours of yoga daily.  Structure from 5:30am-6:30pm and then studying.  Living at the yoga ashram was a very surreal experience because its been a very long time since I have been somewhere completely on my own.  Its also been a long time since I have lived under such extreme structure (probably college and even that did not compare to this.  Even Oxford was very much my own schedule of when and how I studied).  I did get some free time though.  I snorkeled, hiked a volcano, and black sand beaches.  I saw a beautiful waterfall and watched sunsets over the oceans.  I don't care how corny it sounds... I journaled, I prayed, and I generally felt my soul patching back together.

All of these trips fell into place in an "other-worldly" and "meant to be" sort of way.  They all were things where we should have said "That just isn't possible" or "this doesn't make sense to do."  But we didn't say those things.  And somehow the story wrote itself in the way it needed to.  I am thankful for each journey these past 7 months.  The good, the bad, the happy, the sad.....  No trip was perfect, but each was amazing in its own way.  I am thankful for what they have taught me.

In looking back, I have really learned how to recognize negative thought patterns and in turn negative habits.  I am sure continuing to do so will be an ongoing challenge.  Attention has always been difficult for me.  I have such vast interests and a brain that is anything but quiet.  This sometimes gets me into trouble.  I have heard every range of comment on myself on the spectrum of good to bad.  But what are all these labels but an ebbing and flowing stream of attempted control from outside ourselves?  At the end of the day none of it matters except what I believe (And in turn what you believe about yourself).  I am not talking about becoming conceited or arrogant, but being kind to yourself.  There is a lot of power in that. 

I plan to go into these adventures a bit more as time progresses.  But today I am catching up on edits and home snuggling with a sick little girl as I write.  In the meantime I ask, what is your story?  Where are you on your own journey?  I look forward to continuing to find our path and wish the best to all continuing on their own.  

Much love until next time the writing bug bites!

-Amanda