I think we all do this. Parents. When we find out we are expecting a child this whole new world opens for us. I cannot help, but reflect on my pregnancy with Nieva. I started a blog and posted over 100 entries over 9 months. To say I was excited to be pregnant was the understatement of the century. I didn't know if I was ready or what this new adventure was going to mean, but I knew I had never been happier!!

An excerpt from the week I found out I was pregnant:

12/11/2009

"Since first grade, I have been a "recorder" and a "writer". Since then I have tried to journal, photograph, and scrapbook the bits and baubles of my life. This week, I found out I was pregnant..... According to medical dating I am about 4 and a half weeks pregnant. I know there are a lot of risks in the first three months, but I feel really optimistic that everything will be okay. I was told at one time that with my endometriosis I may never have children, so I feel incredibly blessed right now....."

I find myself wanting to relive that amazing journey, but now know I will never be able to have that same carefree experience. Fast forward to 2.5 years old to the day Nieva was diagnosed and Jordon, Nieva, and my life was changed forever. Jordon and I were so shocked to have been given this blessing only to be told such news a few short years later. The day she was diagnosed I added this to her blog. A blog I sadly hadn't been able to keep up with much after she came into this world.

May 1, 2013.

"It saddens me in a lot of ways... that I was unable to keep up with this blog cherishing and highlighting the life of my daughter after being so diligent with recording my pregnancy and delivery. Despite anything I said anywhere or to anyone...I loved being pregnant. I was so excited to be a mother and to have this happy family. Unfortunately, as Ava came into the world I was struggling to start my own business and find my place in a world post college that was expensive and scary. So the days crept by... with me spending too many days in front of the computer and the camera, and not enough days swinging my child in circles, reading bedtime stories, or going on outdoors adventures. Today, May 1, was a strange day indeed. The ground was covered in snow like some some mystical warning of things not quite right. I took Nieva to the Dr. at 9:45am. She had been having a swollen face off and on for several weeks and dark circles under her eyes. She looked pale and tired despite her smiles and always goofy and playful demeanor. Yesterday we went into a pediatric dentist and he confirmed that a tooth abscess was certainly not to blame. I suspected allergies. So after we did a quick blood test, Nieva and I went to pick up an antibiotic for the third week in a row and I drove her to her daycare provider. About 30 minutes after getting back to the house Jordon called frantic.

'Are you home?'

'Yes'

'Good. Stay there.'

'What's Wrong?'

'They think Nieva has Leukemia. We need to get her to the doctor now.'

From there the day is the blur..... The doctor took Jordon and I in a private room with Nieva and said a lot of things.... but the most haunting 'I need to make it clear that it is 100% certain she has leukemia.' 'It is cancer.' 'We will need to start treatment right away.' Nothing in a person's life can possibly prepare them for that moment.... where you realize there is a chance you will lose your daughter forever and you may have to watch her slip away with nothing you can do. I know I can be strong though. And that is what I hope to do. I want to hold her every last minute I am able until, I pray, she gets past this and we only have to have a memory of this terrible time. Please pray for Nieva. My greatest and most precious joy in this busy unpredictable and crazy world"

They had said 2-3 years of treatment was necessary. Here we are. Nieva had been scheduled to end her treatment this month. We will never get that day to celebrate the end of cancer. At this point it feel uncertain as to whether we will get to see that day we can see the end of chickenpox (8 weeks and counting... Still on IV antivirals 12 hours a day despite numerous attempts to finish)(See www.caringbridge.org/visit/nievarebecca for more info).

Well if you hung with me, thank-you for that. That is all the reminiscing and I hope to now cut to the point of this entry. :) It is cliche to say "You never know what tomorrow will bring." However, it is such a fact of life for us. Sometimes I feel obnoxious how much I record and post photos of Nieva and her day to day. I am not trying to act like I am an amazing super mom, or that she is this perfect wonderchild. But I want her to know someday how hard I tried to help her live every day to the fullest, to see the potential in doing things differently, and why I have become anti Ipad/TV. I want others to maybe learn through the guilt I feel for being a mom that was always "too busy" to do the little things with my child.

I know we always worry we are not doing enough for our children. Truly that was a worry I had and a day came I decided I didn't want to worry about it anymore. I needed to make my life work with her as the number one priority. Jordon and I do not make the money we used to. We don't cram schedules like we used to, and we don't have expectations of each other and everyone around us like we used to. Life goes fast enough. So let's slow down. Let's find flexibility. Let's notice the little things. And let's reflect on what is really important.

Moments. Memories.

Laughter. Love.....

I am still photographing. It is ingrained in me. I am just taking less weddings per year and less clients per year so I have time to put my passion into work and family fully. These past few years have been hard. I could not say anything to negate that fact. But we have all grown through the bramble and are making our way into the sun.

I was so excited about pregnancy. Life is not always what we expect though. Even our biggest blessings can turn to trials. I am thankful for the lessons life has taught me through this all. I hope others have been inspired to reflect in their own situations. What moments can you slow down and find today?